i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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