I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
