I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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