Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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