I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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