If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
