I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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