I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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