I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
