The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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