he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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