I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
