hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
