I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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