What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize