One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize