In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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