Your face is a jimmy john
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
