i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
