Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
