Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
