the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
