What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
