wakey wakey hands off snakey
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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