I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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