Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
