I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize