the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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