Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
