I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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