that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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