is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
