I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize