Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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