We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
