Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
