I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
