she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
