Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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