In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
