when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
we're so committed to being not committed
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
