I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
