Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
