Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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