My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize