ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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