My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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