Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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