these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
