I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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