i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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