Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
