my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is Oprah even human
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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