All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
