you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
