Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
