Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
