i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
