Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
