I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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