I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
