I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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